25 Jul 2012

Bomb on a plane

Airplane, airplaneYou know what bugs me?  Airlines like Ryan Air who pride themselves on their £15.99 flights but forget to mention that you’ll also be taxed, charged an administration fee of £12 each way, and you have to pay for baggage.  I even heard recently that they might start charging for hand luggage.  As if anyone travels on holiday with nothing but the clothes on their back and a passport?  Oh, and your hand luggage has to be under 10kg.  I guess they have to make up for the increasing number of morbidly obese people.  I’m going to make a bet that in 10 years’ time they’re gonna start throwing passengers on the scales along with their luggage.

Oh, and the 100ml liquid allowance.  I don’t really see how I’d manage to store explosives within an unopened bottle of factor 50 sun-cream.  Because to be frank, I find it all a little racist against fair skinned people.  If they expect me to make do with a travel-size bottle of sun-cream for 5 days in the baking heat in sunny Spain, they’re deluded.  Also, I think it’s safe to say that if I’m drinking from a water bottle, I probably haven’t shoved a bomb in it.  Plus, I study English Lit and French.  Bomb-making isn’t exactly in my repertoire.  Anyway, if I were really that keen on the idea of “bottle bombing”, I think I’d work out a way of fitting the bomb into a 100ml bottle.

I also think the whole removal of belts, shoes and jackets fa├žade is just an excuse to cheer up the security staff at 5 in the morning as they watch us strip down to our core.  I don’t know about you, but I tend to wear a belt for a reason.  I’ve occasionally been known to wear one for “glamour” purposes, but in general, I wear a belt to hold my trousers up.  So when a 60 year old security guard asks me to take my belt off, I’m gonna start to think that he’s a bit of a perve.

Part of me is tempted to stick a metal rod up my vajay and see how they enjoy that one too.  What are they expecting to find when they frisk you?  The “body skim” is yet another way security staff plague innocent victims with their tactile absurdities.  And so what if I’m wearing metal?  I mean….I suppose there is a possibility that I strapped a knife or gun to myself but I’m hardly going to be strapping it somewhere as obvious as my ankle or arm.  People will stick things in weird places just to conceal their secrets, and I’m pretty sure there’s a rule on touching certain regions of the male/female anatomy.

Costa BravaTomorrow I will be undergoing this incessant lookout for terrorists as I strip down, persuade them that I packed the bag myself and promise that all my liquids are under 100ml.  But the good news?  It means I’m that tiny bit closer to landing in Spain and enjoying 5 days sunning it up with my friend!

Watch this space.


n.b. of course I understand why we have all these security checks and if I've got a government watch on me right now for using the word bomb so many times on one page, I do apologise.  I'm totally anti all that crap.  But what about tweezers?  Sharp object and all that....

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