28 Jun 2012

Brilliance comes in small packages...

Or so I keep telling myself.  At a modest height of 5’3½” (the half inch is important, don’t underestimate the ½ inch), I’m relatively small amongst my peer-group.  But I do have an advantage.  I can wear 6 inch heels and I’m still decidedly shorter than the majority of the male population (well, any male I would consider marrying that is).  It may be a little early to be talking marriage before boyfriend number one has even stepped foot on the stratosphere, but let’s be realistic here.  If I’m going to be spawning kids with someone below 5’10”, they don’t have much hope.  The kids I mean.  Being vertically challenged, particularly if you are of the male variety, can be emasculating.  While the endearing, but sickly phrase “short but sweet” comes to mind, I think we can put that aside for the time-being.  I do sometimes wonder what my lonely hearts ad would be.  “Dwarf looking for Giant to avoid runt-like offspring”.  Or something a little more poetic perhaps?  I’m struggling…

I don’t tend to do much research for these blogs, but I’ve suddenly become extraordinarily fascinated with the whole concept of lonely hearts ads.  Of course they weren’t always called that.  They were called “personal ads”, which between you and me, sounds a lot less desperate.  And before I begin citing websites for my research, I will warn you now that I have made do with a Daily Mail article dating all the way back to 2011 for the formation of my exotic findings. Tadah.  

So it appears lonely hearts ads have been around since 1695 when a pretty “intelligent person” (see blog post below on intelligence) discovered that the L word was just as marketable as other merchandise.  And thus commenced the search for Love on paper.  And I quote: Most men, though, didn’t allude to a woman’s appearance. ‘No ­bodily deformity,’ ventures one ad in 1772. Another, who wrote ‘shapely ankle preferr’d’, was being positively risqué.”  No bodily deformity?  What does that even mean?  Morton’s toe, hooked nose, monobrow?  Or are we talking twelve fingers and a third arm coming out of the torso?  Or is “bodily deformity” simply the 18th century’s politically correct way of saying “you can’t be in a wheelchair?”  I’m also intrigued to know more about this shapely ankle which has been alluded to.  All I’m saying is, the day a guy comments on how sexy my ankles are, the day he gets a kick up the backside.  Either the man has a foot fetish or it’s some 18th century innuendo I’m not getting.  “But I want you to look into my eyes”.  “I’m sorry darling, but your ankles are just so shapely”.  Apologies, I should backtrack…it appears that the owner of the advertisement only requires one shapely ankle.  How accommodating of him.

And I quote again: “In 1750, one gentleman went much further in describing his ideal: ‘Good teeth, soft lips, sweet breath, with eyes no matter what colour so they are but expressive; of a healthy complexion, rather inclin’d to fair than brown; neat in her person, her bosom full, plump, firm and white; a good understanding, without being a wit, but cheerful and lively in conversation, polite and delicate of speech, her temper humane and tender, and to look as if she could feel delight where she wishes to give it.”

Lonely Heart by *incolor16Her bosom must be white?  A colour for the rest of her body has not been specified, but her bosom in particular must be white.  How very peculiar.  Imagine yourself as an 18th century lady reading this.  To reply you’d either have to be disgustingly vain or really hedging your bets.  I’m interested to know how well I’d match his description.  1) Good teeth? – well I brush them twice daily and had braces…so, check.  2) Soft lips? (errr Vaseline)…check.  3) Sweet breath?…I’m constantly eating smints.  So, check.  4) He said he didn't mind about the eye colour. Check. 5) Healthy complexion? Well, any spots will blend into my freckles...so, check.  6) Fair or brown? Gingers don’t tan, so definitely fair.  Check. 7) Neat?…I regularly make my bed.  Check.  8) Full, plump and firm bosom?…well, I own a push-up bra.  Check. 9) A good understanding?...I know the alphabet. So, check. 10) “Without being a wit”?…dammit, and I was doing so well…

Watch this space.


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